Friday, November 11, 2011
ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: Veterans Day
ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: Veterans Day: Although my husband never served A DaY IN THE military, he is still my hero, along with my dad, who served in the air force & Marines, he ...
Veterans Day
Although my husband never served A DaY IN THE military, he is still my hero, along with my dad, who served in the air force & Marines, he met my mom while be stationed over in England, and I have many military friends, that deserve a big THANK YOU! Mac, Kathy, Adam, Dave, Kevin, my grandad, my father in law, and so many others, I am just having a hard time retaining information these days!
Today is a great day to celebrate this wonderful country we live in and the freedoms we are entitled to.
After my viSit to soc sec Tuesday you make have gotten a completely different take, how could the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT EXPECT A SINGLE MOTHER OF 2, ! haNDICAPPED, expect to live on absolutely NO income for 6 mos?? I just don't get it.
I am finding myself stressed to the max, IF they are correct Terry has 5 weeks to live, these dogs are peeing & pooping all over the house, Cody's 18th Birthday came and went and not a card or call from my parents, Daniel & Jessica, Scott, Megan or anyone else n the family, our dear friends gave Cody the best birthday ever, not, even 1 member from his family, I am really disgusted, I thought I raised them right, I guess not, Usually I worry about them being mad at me, well quite frankly, I don't care anymore, the only one with an excuse is Megan she was on vacation.
Daniel & Cody used to be close close and on his 18th birthday he can't call and say happy birthday???
I tried to be there for them especially Daniel, I get accused of favoring him, and do you think he could pick up the phone and call me, and say Mom, HOW are YOU doing, after all your husband of 20 yrs is dying you have no car, do you need to go to the grocery stor? What did I do wrong? I raised some very selffish kids, and if they want to be mad at me how is that any different than the way thing are now, I email Jessica, I call her never get a response, why bother? I will leave them all alone, because I can assure you they won't care is I am alone of the holidays, and niether will I, and they won't show up at the funeral, I am ashamed at my self, and ashamed at them, not you, Megan, atleast you make sure I get to the grocery store and bank etc, the rest of them could care less if I lives in a shopping cart, which according to soc sec that may happen, do you think they would take me in? HA! I am done being the mother because I get treated like a homeless person, and would be left in the streetif it were up to my kids, so not that you were EVER responsible for me, you are off the hook, now for good, you have no more obligations to me, I have 2 kids that need me, and I have to tend to and may need to live in a homes=less shelter for w hile, but, that wouldn't mean anything to you!
Today is a great day to celebrate this wonderful country we live in and the freedoms we are entitled to.
After my viSit to soc sec Tuesday you make have gotten a completely different take, how could the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT EXPECT A SINGLE MOTHER OF 2, ! haNDICAPPED, expect to live on absolutely NO income for 6 mos?? I just don't get it.
I am finding myself stressed to the max, IF they are correct Terry has 5 weeks to live, these dogs are peeing & pooping all over the house, Cody's 18th Birthday came and went and not a card or call from my parents, Daniel & Jessica, Scott, Megan or anyone else n the family, our dear friends gave Cody the best birthday ever, not, even 1 member from his family, I am really disgusted, I thought I raised them right, I guess not, Usually I worry about them being mad at me, well quite frankly, I don't care anymore, the only one with an excuse is Megan she was on vacation.
Daniel & Cody used to be close close and on his 18th birthday he can't call and say happy birthday???
I tried to be there for them especially Daniel, I get accused of favoring him, and do you think he could pick up the phone and call me, and say Mom, HOW are YOU doing, after all your husband of 20 yrs is dying you have no car, do you need to go to the grocery stor? What did I do wrong? I raised some very selffish kids, and if they want to be mad at me how is that any different than the way thing are now, I email Jessica, I call her never get a response, why bother? I will leave them all alone, because I can assure you they won't care is I am alone of the holidays, and niether will I, and they won't show up at the funeral, I am ashamed at my self, and ashamed at them, not you, Megan, atleast you make sure I get to the grocery store and bank etc, the rest of them could care less if I lives in a shopping cart, which according to soc sec that may happen, do you think they would take me in? HA! I am done being the mother because I get treated like a homeless person, and would be left in the streetif it were up to my kids, so not that you were EVER responsible for me, you are off the hook, now for good, you have no more obligations to me, I have 2 kids that need me, and I have to tend to and may need to live in a homes=less shelter for w hile, but, that wouldn't mean anything to you!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: Turmoil Tuesday
ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: Turmoil Tuesday: Ok, be honest, going to Social Security is NEVER a good experience, because Cody's guardianship hasn't gone through yet, he had to make the...
Turmoil Tuesday
Ok, be honest, going to Social Security is NEVER a good experience, because Cody's guardianship hasn't gone through yet, he had to make the trip with us, my good friend Dan Lane gave me a ride there,
Ok, so, we wait endlessly, So much so Cody takes a nap, we finally get called in, and I said I need to transfer my sons benefits, he just turned 18, he is getting $400 in disability from his dad's account and now he is entitled to his own benefits, because he is an "adult" and no longer qualifies for his dads disability anymore, well I was told because I sold a $1500 piece of property in 2009, he had to start the process all over again, and it would be 6 mos, at least before he received benefits, WTH??? $1500 in 2009??? I needed to prove these people gave me a promissary note & defaulted on it, which I did not think I had the documents to back me up, well Praise Jesus, because when I got home, I did have the documents, which means they can carry over his benefits, and Cody SHOULD get a check in Dec or Jan.
I did not know this, and was crying that I would be on the street if they cut my income $400 starting Dec1. I also find out it will take months for me to get widows benefits, and Jenn get surviviors benefits, and the month Terry passes, they will take the check back, so I will have 1 mos with no income at all, I don't know what I am going to do if that's the case, it sounded like my lawyer MAY front me the money, if needed.
When all is said & done, once the payments start coming in, I should be pulling in more than we are now, because Cody will be receiving adult benefits which is atleast $200 more, and I should be getting $500 more than Terry was, because he was paying student loans, and I am not responsible for that debt, because I did not know him then, please pray that this is the case, because the kids and I will be more than ok, even when Jenn looses her benefits next year when she turns 18.
I have way too many health issues to work, and Cody is such a job, that I can't leave him in day care ,and I only qualify for 10 hrs respite care a week. Physically I could not handle work & my home responsibilities, it is way to much on my ailing body, so I may need to qualify for SSI, myself, If I get all that I should, I won't qualify because I will be making too much, but that is FINE with me, either way, I just want enough to pay my bills, put food on the table, fill the scripts & buy the needs, Please Jesus, help this to work out! AMEN!!!!
The weather has been gorgeous, in the 40's at night & 60's during the day and I am so enjoying it, Fall has finally arrived! After 6 mos of desert heat, this is so welcoming! I am thankful to God for the beauty of the days & nights.
Terry had a rough night, was unable to breath most of the night, they played with his meds some, and he is resting comfortably, now, it is scary, each week, you see him decline more & more, and in my head I know that means he is closer to death, in my heart I don't want to believe it! I am thankful for each day we have together, and pray for one more at days end.
I bought all the scrap booking stuff for me & the kids to document his illness to his death, and made a nice book for people to sign & write memories at the funeral, and I am also writing my book about him, his life, his childhood memories etc, so his children & grandchildren will know him as I did.
People say I sound Good and are doing good, is it all denial, an act, acceptance? I don't know, maybe a little of all 3, I just pray to get through minute by minute and that's all I can do!
Time to give Cody a hair cut, I must say mothering is my favorite job of all and I am thankful to have Cody around longer than the average child, he is precious & a blessing and will fill a big void in my life, along with those 6 little demons, ...LOL, the puppies!, their newest pasttime is eating their own poop, and yes, it is fun to say the least and I am NOT liking it, I keep telling myself, they are almost a year and they will start calming soon!
PLEASE CLICK FOLLOW AND FOLLOW THE BLOG< THE MORE FOLLOWERS & HITS I GET THE CLOSER I GET TO GETTING PAID TO BLOG< THANK YOU!!!!
Ok, so, we wait endlessly, So much so Cody takes a nap, we finally get called in, and I said I need to transfer my sons benefits, he just turned 18, he is getting $400 in disability from his dad's account and now he is entitled to his own benefits, because he is an "adult" and no longer qualifies for his dads disability anymore, well I was told because I sold a $1500 piece of property in 2009, he had to start the process all over again, and it would be 6 mos, at least before he received benefits, WTH??? $1500 in 2009??? I needed to prove these people gave me a promissary note & defaulted on it, which I did not think I had the documents to back me up, well Praise Jesus, because when I got home, I did have the documents, which means they can carry over his benefits, and Cody SHOULD get a check in Dec or Jan.
I did not know this, and was crying that I would be on the street if they cut my income $400 starting Dec1. I also find out it will take months for me to get widows benefits, and Jenn get surviviors benefits, and the month Terry passes, they will take the check back, so I will have 1 mos with no income at all, I don't know what I am going to do if that's the case, it sounded like my lawyer MAY front me the money, if needed.
When all is said & done, once the payments start coming in, I should be pulling in more than we are now, because Cody will be receiving adult benefits which is atleast $200 more, and I should be getting $500 more than Terry was, because he was paying student loans, and I am not responsible for that debt, because I did not know him then, please pray that this is the case, because the kids and I will be more than ok, even when Jenn looses her benefits next year when she turns 18.
I have way too many health issues to work, and Cody is such a job, that I can't leave him in day care ,and I only qualify for 10 hrs respite care a week. Physically I could not handle work & my home responsibilities, it is way to much on my ailing body, so I may need to qualify for SSI, myself, If I get all that I should, I won't qualify because I will be making too much, but that is FINE with me, either way, I just want enough to pay my bills, put food on the table, fill the scripts & buy the needs, Please Jesus, help this to work out! AMEN!!!!
The weather has been gorgeous, in the 40's at night & 60's during the day and I am so enjoying it, Fall has finally arrived! After 6 mos of desert heat, this is so welcoming! I am thankful to God for the beauty of the days & nights.
Terry had a rough night, was unable to breath most of the night, they played with his meds some, and he is resting comfortably, now, it is scary, each week, you see him decline more & more, and in my head I know that means he is closer to death, in my heart I don't want to believe it! I am thankful for each day we have together, and pray for one more at days end.
I bought all the scrap booking stuff for me & the kids to document his illness to his death, and made a nice book for people to sign & write memories at the funeral, and I am also writing my book about him, his life, his childhood memories etc, so his children & grandchildren will know him as I did.
People say I sound Good and are doing good, is it all denial, an act, acceptance? I don't know, maybe a little of all 3, I just pray to get through minute by minute and that's all I can do!
Time to give Cody a hair cut, I must say mothering is my favorite job of all and I am thankful to have Cody around longer than the average child, he is precious & a blessing and will fill a big void in my life, along with those 6 little demons, ...LOL, the puppies!, their newest pasttime is eating their own poop, and yes, it is fun to say the least and I am NOT liking it, I keep telling myself, they are almost a year and they will start calming soon!
PLEASE CLICK FOLLOW AND FOLLOW THE BLOG< THE MORE FOLLOWERS & HITS I GET THE CLOSER I GET TO GETTING PAID TO BLOG< THANK YOU!!!!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: NEW pics
ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: NEW pics: I just posted new pics of my apartment, if you scroll all the way down, tomorrow, I will blog and post pics of our bedroom, Cody's room wi...
NEW pics
I just posted new pics of my apartment, if you scroll all the way down, tomorrow, I will blog and post pics of our bedroom, Cody's room will be left to your imagination! LOL, Actually, he is OCD, clean!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: Codys 18th birthday party
ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: Codys 18th birthday party: Today we celebrated Cody's 18th birthday a day early, I would like to pots pics first then write my blog. We had w wonderful n...
Codys 18th birthday party
We had w wonderful nights sleep it rained, & dropped u into the 50's, like heaven on earth after 6 mos of 90-100 degrees, we only hit a high of 61, the windows were open, and it felt like fall.
We woke up in a festive mood, but, knew Terry was in bad shape, yesterday, they had to give him nitro twice for the first time, and it was quite scary, he was vomiting all night and just so week, and feels awful.
Tish bough KFC and Julie baked the cake, so I did not have to do a thing, Cody's "buddy" school helper Matt came, and what a nice kid, I thought, now why can't Jenn date him??? and tomorrow his buddy group is having a birthday picnic for him, it is his actual birthday, and they are baking a cake, and another round of presents, he is one lucky guy!
I got teary eyes a few times during the party and tried to hide it, but, it was a beautiful day, as you can see we took many pictures for the scrap book we are making FROM WHEN DADDY GOT SICK, I have already framed a few pictures, especially the family one.
Dan & Dina came, Cody's old respite worker, Tish who has been in Cody's life since day 1 and Julie & her dad, Julie has been my best friend for 13 years, you hear about her on the blog quite often.
I made everyone prim presents & forgot to give them to them, DUH!
When it was over Tish took Jenn and I to run errands and we were gone a long while, I did call & check on Terry and he acted fine, Tish bough Jenn, ugg boots, slippers for both of us, and a sweater & shirt for Jenn, a thing to make my dogs stop barking, paid for my meds, and then bought me new dishes, which are beautiful, I did not have a chance to put them away yet, because I am spending my time in the bedroom with terry while he watched the game.
Tish is the most generous soul, always has been, I made her an angel out of an old quilt and told her she had always been my guardian angel, and I wanted her to have that. I also spent the weekend making 12 items to get a dear friend in AK started on her prim decorating, I will make her more when I have more time.
We came in and I said Hi Hunny, and he pulls me aside and is crying and says I don't want to die on Cody's birthday and ruin it for him,?? My knees almost buckled, I said, what? I knew yesterday was bad, but, while I was gone he got terrible chest pains he took 3 nitroglycerin pills, and that's the limit, and he still felt chest pressure and he said he felt worse than he had ever felt, and when you are on hospice you can't call 911 because medicare will only cover one or the other, so basically you are told to do a protocol, and when that doesn't work, get in bed, and worry & wait to see if it's the end, they can take you in your facility, but, one of the main reasons for wanting hospice is to avoid hospital settings and to die at home.
I pray, I do not lose the love of my life, and especially for Cody, who's real birthday is tomorrow, but, I did pray Lord, get him to Cody's party for me, dare I be greedy and ask for Thanksgiving & Christmas and so on?
I know the day is coming, and it just seemed to have happened too fast, I love him so much, he is my life and my world, I am more confident now about being able to do this job myself, and raise these kids right, and I know we will be ok,
But, Lord, would it be too much to ask for one more night?
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Another week, gone
My computer has been down the better part of the week, and Terry has had an awful 5-6 days, really thought we were losing him this weekend, he can't keep anything down but green tea. The doctor said this is all part of it and he is going through a cardiac event and it will wither cycle out and give him some more time, or it will lead to a massive heart attack.
Sunday a dear friend told me her husband, under 40 had leukemia, and tonight, another dear friend told me they have kidney cancer! What is going on!
I added some pics of us all last week, yes, I have lost weight from stress and as someone else put it I have long locks now, who has time for a hair cut, and those pony tails come in handy.
My prayers have been answer, Terry will be here for Cody's 18th b-day on Saturday, we are having just 3 couples we are close to, and cake, tomorrow- Fri I have appointments with Cody's school, lawyers and shrinks about his guardianship, and hopefully Terry will be ok to be left alone.
I am happy to report my washer & dryer is working well, and what a relief that is.
I want to liesurely start sewing again, not that I have much time, but build up a lot of stock, and sell on ebay and take it down town Glendale to the Primitive shop and see if I can consignment sell, I know them well off FB now, and they know my circumstances, so I am hoping for a break, thats all I need, I know my merchandise can sell itself.
The kids and I have started the scrapbook, DADDY's journey, we are documenting his illness, along with a book I am writing of Terry's childhood memories, memories with the kids, how we met etc. so they have something to pass on to their children.
Well, I have a full day tomorrow, but wanted to stop by, I know its been a week with nno internet! Remember to tell your loved ones YOU LOVE THEM, it is so very important, Terry and I won't leave the room w/o saying it now!....just today he was so very sick, and I said How do you do it and he was hugging me and said, for this, holding you in my arms makes it all worth it! How very touched I was, and the kids have really experienced how much we loved each other, and that has made a difference in Jenn's outlook on relationships.
I saw my precious grandson Maddox today, he is getting so big, he wasn't too sure about all my dogs, though! LOL, megan & the kids are off to San Diego so, no respite this weekend! Didn't I say I was leaving? TTFN!!!
Sunday a dear friend told me her husband, under 40 had leukemia, and tonight, another dear friend told me they have kidney cancer! What is going on!
I added some pics of us all last week, yes, I have lost weight from stress and as someone else put it I have long locks now, who has time for a hair cut, and those pony tails come in handy.
My prayers have been answer, Terry will be here for Cody's 18th b-day on Saturday, we are having just 3 couples we are close to, and cake, tomorrow- Fri I have appointments with Cody's school, lawyers and shrinks about his guardianship, and hopefully Terry will be ok to be left alone.
I am happy to report my washer & dryer is working well, and what a relief that is.
I want to liesurely start sewing again, not that I have much time, but build up a lot of stock, and sell on ebay and take it down town Glendale to the Primitive shop and see if I can consignment sell, I know them well off FB now, and they know my circumstances, so I am hoping for a break, thats all I need, I know my merchandise can sell itself.
The kids and I have started the scrapbook, DADDY's journey, we are documenting his illness, along with a book I am writing of Terry's childhood memories, memories with the kids, how we met etc. so they have something to pass on to their children.
Well, I have a full day tomorrow, but wanted to stop by, I know its been a week with nno internet! Remember to tell your loved ones YOU LOVE THEM, it is so very important, Terry and I won't leave the room w/o saying it now!....just today he was so very sick, and I said How do you do it and he was hugging me and said, for this, holding you in my arms makes it all worth it! How very touched I was, and the kids have really experienced how much we loved each other, and that has made a difference in Jenn's outlook on relationships.
I saw my precious grandson Maddox today, he is getting so big, he wasn't too sure about all my dogs, though! LOL, megan & the kids are off to San Diego so, no respite this weekend! Didn't I say I was leaving? TTFN!!!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: Rainy Wednesday
ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: Rainy Wednesday: Am I so happy to finally have rain in the desert, I don't think it has rained since my friends from NY were visiting! I am stronger THIS ...
Rainy Wednesday
Am I so happy to finally have rain in the desert, I don't think it has rained since my friends from NY were visiting!
I am stronger THIS WEEK, I have the most amazing friends, they have all rallied by our side, Tish & Dave were in and out all day Monday, brought us lunch & dinner, which was a welcomed break, poor Terry had not eaten since Wed, and he was disoriented, and the worse I had seen him, they were telling me he has 1-3 weeks to live, not in front of him, but away from him I was a basket case. Luckily he is improving and now they say he will PROBABLY make another 8 weeks, but not to plan beyond that, I don't like that time, either, but it's a few weeks longer, so I will take what I can get!
Monday night, Julie & her dad came by who is well into his 80's and read the Bible with us & the kids, and we all prayed for Terry, in the middle, Dave called saying The Lord placed this song in his head he wanted me & Terry to hear, a Christian song.
It was a nice full day, but filled with peace & love and people telling Terry not to worry they will watch out for me & the kids.
I took control of my life back this week, I made all the calls I didn't want to, mainly funeral stuff, & planned it to the T, it is going to be celebratory & loving & peaceful, I told Terry about it and we are in agreeance, the kids will play a big part.
Things are better with Jenn, and Cody is doing fine at home, I AM HAVING SOME ISSUES with his teacher, and he is next on my list.
AND the dryer is STILL not fixed, the original guy bailed, new companies won't touch it because the first guy took it completely apart and left it that way, so Tish bought me a laundry card from the apartments, and Monday I did 12 loads, 6 yesterday another 3 today and I am FINALLY caught up, BOY, how you miss having one right in your home!And where did we get all the clothes??
Been cleaning closets & rooms, Cody's was the last one, yesterday, Julie & I are having a yard sale this weekend, her hubby lost his job and well you know my situation.
I am also writing a book about Terry's life for my children & grandchildren, I want them to know him like I did, and what a wonderful grandad he would have made, also telling his childhood stories & background growing up, so my kids really KNOW their dad & never forget him, Also, it is very interesting, may this be the writing that makes me famous, or at least pays my bills? wouldn't that be ironic!
Well, Cody's teacher awaits! UT OH for him, trust me, and I am NOT one of those parents that thinks my kids are always right, but Cody is going through a lot and he is all over him, and THEN, while I was bgrocery shopping he called here and Terry was disoriented and he called back KNOWING the situation and asked me if my husband was doing drugs, if so he had to report it! I said go ahead & report it with hospice, they supply them, he is DYING you &*%$!!!!!!! SO, kimmy will be calling the principal, and let him report me, that little New Yorker will have to make an appearance!
I am stronger THIS WEEK, I have the most amazing friends, they have all rallied by our side, Tish & Dave were in and out all day Monday, brought us lunch & dinner, which was a welcomed break, poor Terry had not eaten since Wed, and he was disoriented, and the worse I had seen him, they were telling me he has 1-3 weeks to live, not in front of him, but away from him I was a basket case. Luckily he is improving and now they say he will PROBABLY make another 8 weeks, but not to plan beyond that, I don't like that time, either, but it's a few weeks longer, so I will take what I can get!
Monday night, Julie & her dad came by who is well into his 80's and read the Bible with us & the kids, and we all prayed for Terry, in the middle, Dave called saying The Lord placed this song in his head he wanted me & Terry to hear, a Christian song.
It was a nice full day, but filled with peace & love and people telling Terry not to worry they will watch out for me & the kids.
I took control of my life back this week, I made all the calls I didn't want to, mainly funeral stuff, & planned it to the T, it is going to be celebratory & loving & peaceful, I told Terry about it and we are in agreeance, the kids will play a big part.
Things are better with Jenn, and Cody is doing fine at home, I AM HAVING SOME ISSUES with his teacher, and he is next on my list.
AND the dryer is STILL not fixed, the original guy bailed, new companies won't touch it because the first guy took it completely apart and left it that way, so Tish bought me a laundry card from the apartments, and Monday I did 12 loads, 6 yesterday another 3 today and I am FINALLY caught up, BOY, how you miss having one right in your home!And where did we get all the clothes??
Been cleaning closets & rooms, Cody's was the last one, yesterday, Julie & I are having a yard sale this weekend, her hubby lost his job and well you know my situation.
I am also writing a book about Terry's life for my children & grandchildren, I want them to know him like I did, and what a wonderful grandad he would have made, also telling his childhood stories & background growing up, so my kids really KNOW their dad & never forget him, Also, it is very interesting, may this be the writing that makes me famous, or at least pays my bills? wouldn't that be ironic!
Well, Cody's teacher awaits! UT OH for him, trust me, and I am NOT one of those parents that thinks my kids are always right, but Cody is going through a lot and he is all over him, and THEN, while I was bgrocery shopping he called here and Terry was disoriented and he called back KNOWING the situation and asked me if my husband was doing drugs, if so he had to report it! I said go ahead & report it with hospice, they supply them, he is DYING you &*%$!!!!!!! SO, kimmy will be calling the principal, and let him report me, that little New Yorker will have to make an appearance!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
PAIN
Oh the pain, it hurts more than anything I have ever experienced.
I want to scream, but, it won't change anything, I want answers, but won't get them
How do you do this? How do you live like nothing is wrong for everyone else?? I can't do it, I feel so alone, so very alone, disowned by my parents, my kids are not the most supportive, I raised them otherwise, I need them Oh God do I need them.
You meet, you love, and then its all gone, all damn gone in a New York minute, Please Lord, reverse things take me back to my 5oth b-day Sept 6, I said this will be the decade, WHAT TF was I thinking??? I know bad things always happen to me, why would I even think this would be the decade, I will be lucky to make the year.
So Phoenix, what keeps me here? I hate you, always did, always will, can't afford to move, can't physically do a move, Kathy, Adam???!!!!, where would I go on my Soc Sec, I have no ties here, why do my kids not want anything to do with me, I gave my life to them.
Pain, pain, pain, too much of it to handle, God too too much, I am so done, I want to run from my own life.
I want to scream, but, it won't change anything, I want answers, but won't get them
How do you do this? How do you live like nothing is wrong for everyone else?? I can't do it, I feel so alone, so very alone, disowned by my parents, my kids are not the most supportive, I raised them otherwise, I need them Oh God do I need them.
You meet, you love, and then its all gone, all damn gone in a New York minute, Please Lord, reverse things take me back to my 5oth b-day Sept 6, I said this will be the decade, WHAT TF was I thinking??? I know bad things always happen to me, why would I even think this would be the decade, I will be lucky to make the year.
So Phoenix, what keeps me here? I hate you, always did, always will, can't afford to move, can't physically do a move, Kathy, Adam???!!!!, where would I go on my Soc Sec, I have no ties here, why do my kids not want anything to do with me, I gave my life to them.
Pain, pain, pain, too much of it to handle, God too too much, I am so done, I want to run from my own life.
Sad Saturday
94, really??? Where is fall, the heat is just too much for me, it is triggering my headaches.
The dryer guy was supposed to be here this morning and I am still waiting and Cody & I have NO clothes!
Megan took me grocery shopping this morning, so another week with food, HOORAY!
Terry, oh my poor hunny, he is getting worse, Megan even commented, and he can barely breath at all w/o the oxygen, he is on morphine every hour, and I hate morphine, and he sleeps almost all the time, life as we know it has faded into a distance, a day of laughing, watching movies, walking the dogs, just simple things are no longer, and soon, there won't be anything left.
You meet someone fall in love, and take life & all you have for granted, I learned hard and tough, why did I major on the minors, please learn from me, enjoy life, enjoy your family, mopping your floors can wait and DON'T MAJOR ON THE MINORS< life really is too short!
Cleaned up my craft room, aka dining room, good to have that in order, and now I am anxious for that fabric to arrive, ALL PHOENIX PEEPS< CRAFT PARTY NOV 19, Sat 1:00, my house, mostly Christmas ornies, and most things priced well under $10, hope you can make it, I need to do this to earn some money & keep myself alive, because right now I feel like I am living in the land of the dead~
Won't ramble today, having a very difficult time, so please keep our family in prayer.
The dryer guy was supposed to be here this morning and I am still waiting and Cody & I have NO clothes!
Megan took me grocery shopping this morning, so another week with food, HOORAY!
Terry, oh my poor hunny, he is getting worse, Megan even commented, and he can barely breath at all w/o the oxygen, he is on morphine every hour, and I hate morphine, and he sleeps almost all the time, life as we know it has faded into a distance, a day of laughing, watching movies, walking the dogs, just simple things are no longer, and soon, there won't be anything left.
You meet someone fall in love, and take life & all you have for granted, I learned hard and tough, why did I major on the minors, please learn from me, enjoy life, enjoy your family, mopping your floors can wait and DON'T MAJOR ON THE MINORS< life really is too short!
Cleaned up my craft room, aka dining room, good to have that in order, and now I am anxious for that fabric to arrive, ALL PHOENIX PEEPS< CRAFT PARTY NOV 19, Sat 1:00, my house, mostly Christmas ornies, and most things priced well under $10, hope you can make it, I need to do this to earn some money & keep myself alive, because right now I feel like I am living in the land of the dead~
Won't ramble today, having a very difficult time, so please keep our family in prayer.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Funky Friday
In the old days, Funky Friday meant us girls went out dancing at the OBI on the water to funky town, now, there is a serial killer lose there, and funky Friday means something totally different to me!
Did I tell you I am dying for Chinese food? Old habits, break hard, for YEARS, every Friday on the way home from work, Terry would bring home Chinese food for dinner, even if he were in trial and it was a late night, they were open to 11:00 pm, so we had it made. Tonight, I want it so bad I can taste it!
Well, that's how I feel about wanting my old life back, even though looking back, there was nothing spectacular about my life, we were homebodies, and liked it that way, spending time home with the family is what we liked best, now, for Terry to make it through 1, 1 hr TV show with me would be a gift, a blessing.
Have you ever watched anyone die before? I sure haven't! But, let me just start out by saying it is a process, and you can literally see the life being drawn out of them, slowly, but surely, but, in this case, I wouldn't even say slowly, it is so very, very hard, and heart breaking.
Today, Cody asked, why does daddy sleep all the time, and why does his head hang, now most of you won't get this, but Julie & I have a running joke about a head hanging in a swing, and it is JUST like that, I asked him, does it take too much energy to hold your head up, and basically, his muscles feel better just totally relaxed, which to me, is near death, I will NEVER look at another person hanging their head down the same again!
Last night, I pulled an all nighter, while having the flu and 102 temp, I had a wholesale order I needed to get done, and between caring for Terry, Cody & everything else, there were not enough hours, so I finally finished it, but, when I figured it out I was getting less than $3 an hour to work all night!
The drier is still broke, should be up & running tomorrow, we are out of clothes, a week with no dryer, and I had washed 2 loads before I knew the dryer was broken, so the stench from the wet clothes is just awful, tomorrow, I will be spending the day doing laundry, and it hasn't helped that Terry's dog, knows something is up and he has been peeing everywhere!
This week, we made the final plans for the funeral, how fun, if you donate your organs to science they cremate you for free, so I am going that route, and the Rev from hospice, will come to my apartment & do a small service outside where we renewed our vows, since that spot is important to us. I want my kids to give him a send off and at least something they will remember. So we are making scrap books, and I am writing a book of memories, & stories from Terry's childhood, called Tuesdays with Terry, his grandchildren won't get to meet him, but, they will "know" him, if I can help it!
Well, I guess I won't be getting any CHinese tonight, or dancing to funky town, so I will sign off for tonight.............BLESSINGS FROM HEAVEN!
Did I tell you I am dying for Chinese food? Old habits, break hard, for YEARS, every Friday on the way home from work, Terry would bring home Chinese food for dinner, even if he were in trial and it was a late night, they were open to 11:00 pm, so we had it made. Tonight, I want it so bad I can taste it!
Well, that's how I feel about wanting my old life back, even though looking back, there was nothing spectacular about my life, we were homebodies, and liked it that way, spending time home with the family is what we liked best, now, for Terry to make it through 1, 1 hr TV show with me would be a gift, a blessing.
Have you ever watched anyone die before? I sure haven't! But, let me just start out by saying it is a process, and you can literally see the life being drawn out of them, slowly, but surely, but, in this case, I wouldn't even say slowly, it is so very, very hard, and heart breaking.
Today, Cody asked, why does daddy sleep all the time, and why does his head hang, now most of you won't get this, but Julie & I have a running joke about a head hanging in a swing, and it is JUST like that, I asked him, does it take too much energy to hold your head up, and basically, his muscles feel better just totally relaxed, which to me, is near death, I will NEVER look at another person hanging their head down the same again!
Last night, I pulled an all nighter, while having the flu and 102 temp, I had a wholesale order I needed to get done, and between caring for Terry, Cody & everything else, there were not enough hours, so I finally finished it, but, when I figured it out I was getting less than $3 an hour to work all night!
The drier is still broke, should be up & running tomorrow, we are out of clothes, a week with no dryer, and I had washed 2 loads before I knew the dryer was broken, so the stench from the wet clothes is just awful, tomorrow, I will be spending the day doing laundry, and it hasn't helped that Terry's dog, knows something is up and he has been peeing everywhere!
This week, we made the final plans for the funeral, how fun, if you donate your organs to science they cremate you for free, so I am going that route, and the Rev from hospice, will come to my apartment & do a small service outside where we renewed our vows, since that spot is important to us. I want my kids to give him a send off and at least something they will remember. So we are making scrap books, and I am writing a book of memories, & stories from Terry's childhood, called Tuesdays with Terry, his grandchildren won't get to meet him, but, they will "know" him, if I can help it!
Well, I guess I won't be getting any CHinese tonight, or dancing to funky town, so I will sign off for tonight.............BLESSINGS FROM HEAVEN!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
LOOONNGG WEEK
I suppose nothing out of the ordinary week, except just the usual way hospice now invades our life. It's not that I like it, but, I miss my routine, and it has changed so much with people coming in and out and having to be showered by a certain time, and have the house cleaned u, and not being able to start in a big sewing project w/o being interrupted.
I did manage to come down with the flu and have felt just awful the past 3 days haven't accomplished much, even if I wanted to, and, have a wholesale order I need to have gotten out last week, the retailer could care less that 2 days after her order for over 100 items places, my husband was diagnosed terminal, and won't make allowances for it, so I decided to make my own.
Today was Cody's yearly meeting with DDD they cut respite hours across the board, which the timing sticks, I need respite now, so I went from 15 hrs a week until 10 UGH!
I am virtually watching Terry deteriorate in front of my eyes, he is on morphine every hour now to help with his breathing, even with the oxygen it has become a major issue, I am hoping he is still around for Cody's birthday Nov 6 when he turns 18, we are supposed to have a big party, I want him to have a big party with memories of his dad, since this will most likely be the last.
Jenn is still grounded and w/o a cell phone.
I went out with Dan, not the ex MB, and another day with Julie, they seem to think I need to get out & keep balance in my life.
I just can't even imagine him not being in my life, God knows we have had our share of problems, but, we have been together 20 years, and he is my best friend,and he gets me like no other, I suppose when the time comes,I will learn to live with it, I don't want to, but, I guess God is not giving me a choice, now is he??
I mean I am not mad at God, but, I wish I knew the plan because death @ 53 just doesn't make sense when you can't even see your kids graduate, get married & have kids,
I guess I never really thought about death as much as I am now, and haven't had that many around me die, but, I guess my family has been a death of sorts, almost 8 mos now, and my brother talks completely disrespectful to my mom and threatens to kill you "old man" to my dad and after 4 mos my dad couldn't handle not talking to him & called him, me, I didn't want to get yelled at for uncontrollably having diarrhea, after a huge enema in the car, and when I said then I don't want a family, I am black balled for life!.....I called my mom 3 weeks ago, and was crying & said mommy, my husband is dying, she coldly said I know, and I know how many times a day you go to the bathroom, I said, please help me, I can't do this alone, she said what the hell do you want me to do and hung up on me. I am so trying to let it go, but after Terry passes I have no family, my closest friends are in NY, and Julie here & Kathy In CA, so I don't know how I am going to get through, everyone deserves a family, right? That's what I thought, but, I have learned you have to earn one, and when my mom was mad she told me Your problem is you have tried to be the perfect daughter, when did that become sinful? AND I NEVER wanted you to have that 5oth anniversary party for me, after Kathy & I put our heart, soul & money into it!!!
Well, things have gotten to heavy here!
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Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Another day down
It really is amazing how many "buys" a person gets because their dad is sick or so on, and so on.
Jenn doesn't read my blog, yet knows all the bad details about it, because Megan has been filling her in.
There comes a time in life where you are tired of being stepped on, questioned, and so forth, Jenn has planted seeds of doubt in Julie's head, about something she should know better, and I am tired of explaining myself, and prooving myself,
Here's the deal, Jenn is a spoiled brat who lies to make situations go her way, she has the help of her sister when she can't pull it off, I have nothing left, I'd like to see one of you come walk in my shoes for a few days, no family, questioning friends, and daughters I can't trust.
All that should matter is Terry, who is dying, and it is obvious, he is losing his mind, like being around my grandmother when she had alhtiemers, that job is hard enough, do people REALLY care IDK, anymore, even your own blood, after all where is my family? They can't put what was not such a big deal aside and help me let go of my husband while my kids create all kind of drama, Cody & Daniel my hats off to you, you are the only ones who have been there for me, & Jessica.
If I have to do it alone, I will because I am NOT answering anymore questions, doubts, lies etc.
cousin MB I am not mad, you are RIGHT on the money and I am going to get my husband to the end of his life and Cody & I will pack it up and move on, because this place has been a living hell. Just when you think you can trust someone, you realize you can't!
Why even blog anymore, its like HS everyone is usuing it against me, encase you haven't noticed, I have enough on my plate!
Jenn doesn't read my blog, yet knows all the bad details about it, because Megan has been filling her in.
There comes a time in life where you are tired of being stepped on, questioned, and so forth, Jenn has planted seeds of doubt in Julie's head, about something she should know better, and I am tired of explaining myself, and prooving myself,
Here's the deal, Jenn is a spoiled brat who lies to make situations go her way, she has the help of her sister when she can't pull it off, I have nothing left, I'd like to see one of you come walk in my shoes for a few days, no family, questioning friends, and daughters I can't trust.
All that should matter is Terry, who is dying, and it is obvious, he is losing his mind, like being around my grandmother when she had alhtiemers, that job is hard enough, do people REALLY care IDK, anymore, even your own blood, after all where is my family? They can't put what was not such a big deal aside and help me let go of my husband while my kids create all kind of drama, Cody & Daniel my hats off to you, you are the only ones who have been there for me, & Jessica.
If I have to do it alone, I will because I am NOT answering anymore questions, doubts, lies etc.
cousin MB I am not mad, you are RIGHT on the money and I am going to get my husband to the end of his life and Cody & I will pack it up and move on, because this place has been a living hell. Just when you think you can trust someone, you realize you can't!
Why even blog anymore, its like HS everyone is usuing it against me, encase you haven't noticed, I have enough on my plate!
Monday, October 17, 2011
ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: New day, New hell
ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: New day, New hell: I suppose that I could take on a more positive attitude but, I'd be fooling only you, the past few days in the house have been horrible, Je...
New day, New hell
I suppose that I could take on a more positive attitude but, I'd be fooling only you, the past few days in the house have been horrible, Jennifer came home and within an hour the police were here, she was back to calling me her ever so lady like names, and Terry just sat in the background, which anger me, but I guess he doesn't have the strength to fight right now. I have never dealt with a child like this, and I have 5, she is the youngest, she got in my face and called me cunt right up in my face trying to provoke her to hit her, so she could have me locked up, well she was so load, a neighbor called the police back, and who do they come down on but me??
I asked can't you lock her in juvie for the night and according to police terms antagonising me warrants no juvie, I said this is going to go on all night and he, meaning Cody does not do well to changes and I have a dying man here.
So they finally agreed to take her to Queen Megan's for the night. But, as soon as she walks in tomorrow it will start all over again.
I have put my foot down, and I am not letting her get to me, she chased me with the cell saying cunt cunt, go ahead hit me bitch, so she can get me hitting her on tape, well those who know me know I come from an abusive house so I don't hit my kids.
SO, here it is almost 1 Cody & I are wide awake!
Poor Terry, I don't know who much he can take, what a hell of a way to die, his breathing is very shallow, and almost sounds like he may have some pneumonia, we see the nurse & social worker tomorrow, those are both good things!
You know the dying shock has worn off, thankfully so, so I am able to be more productive, and I realized God gave me a perfect precious gift in Cody, there is nothing that boy wouldn't do for me, he watches over me, and hates to see me upset, he maybe be mentally handicapped, autistic & bipolar, but has so much love & heart in him, I will never be alone.
Daniel & Jessica will always be there for me, the rest I just don't know, I thought I raised them right, but, seems they have the surse of their dads and jennifer is just well, I don't know. Mind you this started in April 09, has nothing to do with Terry's health, she beat me up back then, she was a sweet young girl, met a girl named Erin & together they have become poisin.
I am angry that Terry is leaving me to deal with this, how selfish can you be kim? I am angry because I had all these Martha Stewart nights planned until the end, and I am just plain angry.
But, more so than angry I am sad, I am sad for a mans life almost lost with his family in a shambles, and a girl who has the smarts to go all the way in this world, and she is just throwing it down the tubes.
I am missing lots of followers, so please follow both blogs terrytreasures.blogspot.com, and allroadsleadprimitive.blogspot.com
I asked can't you lock her in juvie for the night and according to police terms antagonising me warrants no juvie, I said this is going to go on all night and he, meaning Cody does not do well to changes and I have a dying man here.
So they finally agreed to take her to Queen Megan's for the night. But, as soon as she walks in tomorrow it will start all over again.
I have put my foot down, and I am not letting her get to me, she chased me with the cell saying cunt cunt, go ahead hit me bitch, so she can get me hitting her on tape, well those who know me know I come from an abusive house so I don't hit my kids.
SO, here it is almost 1 Cody & I are wide awake!
Poor Terry, I don't know who much he can take, what a hell of a way to die, his breathing is very shallow, and almost sounds like he may have some pneumonia, we see the nurse & social worker tomorrow, those are both good things!
You know the dying shock has worn off, thankfully so, so I am able to be more productive, and I realized God gave me a perfect precious gift in Cody, there is nothing that boy wouldn't do for me, he watches over me, and hates to see me upset, he maybe be mentally handicapped, autistic & bipolar, but has so much love & heart in him, I will never be alone.
Daniel & Jessica will always be there for me, the rest I just don't know, I thought I raised them right, but, seems they have the surse of their dads and jennifer is just well, I don't know. Mind you this started in April 09, has nothing to do with Terry's health, she beat me up back then, she was a sweet young girl, met a girl named Erin & together they have become poisin.
She is on probation for drinking as a minor at the river, and 2 weeks later went out and had 15 shots, yes you read that right. If I had insurance, she'd be in a treatment center and I am not giving up on that either.So, my friends, this is NOT because of Terry, some of you already know about this.
I am angry that Terry is leaving me to deal with this, how selfish can you be kim? I am angry because I had all these Martha Stewart nights planned until the end, and I am just plain angry.
But, more so than angry I am sad, I am sad for a mans life almost lost with his family in a shambles, and a girl who has the smarts to go all the way in this world, and she is just throwing it down the tubes.
I am missing lots of followers, so please follow both blogs terrytreasures.blogspot.com, and allroadsleadprimitive.blogspot.com
Saturday, October 15, 2011
ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: NEW POST NEW BLOG
ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: NEW POST NEW BLOG: I have had the worst 4 weeks of my life w/o going into much detail, my 16 yr old daughter is blaming me for her dad's illness, she has been...
NEW POST NEW BLOG
I have had the worst 4 weeks of my life w/o going into much detail, my 16 yr old daughter is blaming me for her dad's illness, she has been mean, and has called me names that I would NEVER call my mother, last night she destroyed my blog, because it gives me a sourse of strength,
Please those of you who follow my blog, please continue to follow me, I need to know you are out there and I need the strength I draw from you, please bring the numbers back up to where they were I had 7,000 hits, 1 mil you get paid, I will have to start from scratch with that again, too, I am not in a good place right now, unable to even writing I have been doing the wholesale order for 12 hrs plus & have hours left, I really just want to pack it in, I am feeling my worst ever, please follow me, and encourage me, I can't do it myself!
Please those of you who follow my blog, please continue to follow me, I need to know you are out there and I need the strength I draw from you, please bring the numbers back up to where they were I had 7,000 hits, 1 mil you get paid, I will have to start from scratch with that again, too, I am not in a good place right now, unable to even writing I have been doing the wholesale order for 12 hrs plus & have hours left, I really just want to pack it in, I am feeling my worst ever, please follow me, and encourage me, I can't do it myself!
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