I suppose nothing out of the ordinary week, except just the usual way hospice now invades our life. It's not that I like it, but, I miss my routine, and it has changed so much with people coming in and out and having to be showered by a certain time, and have the house cleaned u, and not being able to start in a big sewing project w/o being interrupted.
I did manage to come down with the flu and have felt just awful the past 3 days haven't accomplished much, even if I wanted to, and, have a wholesale order I need to have gotten out last week, the retailer could care less that 2 days after her order for over 100 items places, my husband was diagnosed terminal, and won't make allowances for it, so I decided to make my own.
Today was Cody's yearly meeting with DDD they cut respite hours across the board, which the timing sticks, I need respite now, so I went from 15 hrs a week until 10 UGH!
I am virtually watching Terry deteriorate in front of my eyes, he is on morphine every hour now to help with his breathing, even with the oxygen it has become a major issue, I am hoping he is still around for Cody's birthday Nov 6 when he turns 18, we are supposed to have a big party, I want him to have a big party with memories of his dad, since this will most likely be the last.
Jenn is still grounded and w/o a cell phone.
I went out with Dan, not the ex MB, and another day with Julie, they seem to think I need to get out & keep balance in my life.
I just can't even imagine him not being in my life, God knows we have had our share of problems, but, we have been together 20 years, and he is my best friend,and he gets me like no other, I suppose when the time comes,I will learn to live with it, I don't want to, but, I guess God is not giving me a choice, now is he??
I mean I am not mad at God, but, I wish I knew the plan because death @ 53 just doesn't make sense when you can't even see your kids graduate, get married & have kids,
I guess I never really thought about death as much as I am now, and haven't had that many around me die, but, I guess my family has been a death of sorts, almost 8 mos now, and my brother talks completely disrespectful to my mom and threatens to kill you "old man" to my dad and after 4 mos my dad couldn't handle not talking to him & called him, me, I didn't want to get yelled at for uncontrollably having diarrhea, after a huge enema in the car, and when I said then I don't want a family, I am black balled for life!.....I called my mom 3 weeks ago, and was crying & said mommy, my husband is dying, she coldly said I know, and I know how many times a day you go to the bathroom, I said, please help me, I can't do this alone, she said what the hell do you want me to do and hung up on me. I am so trying to let it go, but after Terry passes I have no family, my closest friends are in NY, and Julie here & Kathy In CA, so I don't know how I am going to get through, everyone deserves a family, right? That's what I thought, but, I have learned you have to earn one, and when my mom was mad she told me Your problem is you have tried to be the perfect daughter, when did that become sinful? AND I NEVER wanted you to have that 5oth anniversary party for me, after Kathy & I put our heart, soul & money into it!!!
Well, things have gotten to heavy here!
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