Friday, November 11, 2011


ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: Veterans Day: Although my husband never served A DaY IN THE military, he is still my hero, along with my dad, who served in the air force & Marines, he ...

Veterans Day

 Although my husband never served A DaY IN THE military, he is still my hero, along with my dad, who served in  the air force & Marines, he met my mom while be stationed over in England, and I have many military friends, that deserve a big THANK YOU! Mac, Kathy, Adam, Dave, Kevin, my grandad, my father in law, and so many others, I am just having a hard time retaining information these days!
 Today is a great day to celebrate this wonderful country we live in and the freedoms we are entitled to.
 After my viSit to soc sec Tuesday you make have gotten a completely different take, how could the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT EXPECT A SINGLE MOTHER OF 2, ! haNDICAPPED, expect to live on absolutely NO income for 6 mos?? I just don't get it.
 I am finding myself stressed to the max, IF they are correct Terry has 5 weeks to live, these dogs are peeing & pooping all over the house, Cody's 18th Birthday came and went and not a card or call from my parents, Daniel & Jessica, Scott, Megan or anyone else n the family, our dear  friends gave Cody the best birthday ever, not, even 1 member from his family, I am really disgusted, I thought I raised them right, I guess not, Usually I worry about them being mad at me, well quite frankly, I don't care anymore, the only one with an excuse is Megan she was on vacation.
 Daniel & Cody used to be close close and on his 18th birthday he can't call and say happy birthday???
 I tried to be there for them especially Daniel, I get accused of favoring him, and do you think he could pick up the phone and call me, and say Mom, HOW are YOU doing, after all your husband of 20 yrs is dying you have no car, do you need to go to the grocery stor? What did I do wrong? I raised some very selffish kids, and if they want to be mad at me how is that any different than the way thing are now, I email Jessica, I call her never get a response, why bother? I will leave them all alone, because I can assure you they won't care is I am alone of the holidays, and niether will I, and they won't show up at the funeral, I am ashamed at my self, and ashamed at them, not you, Megan, atleast you make sure I get to the grocery store and bank etc, the rest of them could care less if I lives in a shopping cart, which according to soc sec that may happen, do you think they would take me in? HA!  I am done being the mother because I get treated like a homeless person, and would be left in the streetif it were up to my kids, so not that you were EVER responsible for me, you are off the hook, now for good, you have no more obligations to me, I have 2 kids that need me, and I have to tend to and may need to live in a homes=less shelter for w hile, but, that wouldn't mean anything to you!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: Turmoil Tuesday: Ok, be honest, going to Social Security is NEVER a good experience, because Cody's guardianship hasn't gone through yet, he had to make the...

Turmoil Tuesday

 Ok, be honest, going to Social Security is NEVER a good experience, because Cody's guardianship hasn't gone through yet, he had to make the trip with us, my good friend Dan Lane gave me a ride there,
 Ok, so, we wait endlessly, So much so Cody takes a nap, we finally get called in, and I said I need to transfer my sons benefits, he just turned 18, he is getting $400 in disability from his dad's account and now he is entitled to his own benefits, because he is an "adult" and no longer qualifies for his dads disability anymore, well I was told because I sold a $1500 piece of property in 2009, he had to start the process all over again, and it would be 6 mos, at least before he received benefits, WTH??? $1500 in 2009??? I needed to prove these people gave me a promissary note & defaulted on it, which I did not think I had the documents to back me up, well Praise Jesus, because when I got home, I did have the documents, which means they can carry over his benefits, and Cody SHOULD get a check in Dec or Jan.
 I did not know this, and was crying that I would be on the street if they cut my income $400 starting Dec1. I also find out it will take months for me to get widows benefits, and Jenn get surviviors benefits, and the month Terry passes, they will take the check back, so I will have 1 mos with no income at all, I don't know what I am going to do if that's the case, it sounded like my lawyer MAY front me the money, if needed.
 When all is said & done, once the payments start coming in, I should be pulling in more than we are now, because Cody will be receiving adult benefits which is atleast $200 more, and I should be getting $500 more than Terry was, because he was paying student loans, and I am not responsible for that debt, because I did not know him then, please pray that this is the case, because the kids and I will be more than ok, even when Jenn looses her benefits next year when she turns 18.
 I have way too many health issues to work, and Cody is such a job, that I can't leave him in day care ,and I only qualify for 10 hrs respite care a week. Physically I could not handle work & my home responsibilities, it is way to much on my ailing body, so I may need to qualify for SSI, myself, If I get all that I should, I won't qualify because I will be making too much, but that is FINE with me, either way, I just want enough to pay my bills, put food on the table, fill the scripts & buy the needs, Please Jesus, help this to work out! AMEN!!!!
 The weather has been gorgeous, in the 40's at night & 60's during the day and I am so enjoying it, Fall has finally arrived! After 6 mos of desert heat, this is so welcoming! I am thankful to God for the beauty of the days & nights.
 Terry had a rough night, was unable to breath most of the night, they played with his meds some, and he is resting comfortably, now, it is scary, each week, you see him decline more & more, and in my head I know that means he is closer to death, in my heart I don't want to believe it! I am thankful for each day we have together, and pray for one more at days end.
 I bought all the scrap booking stuff for me & the kids to document his illness to his death, and made a nice book for people to sign & write memories at the funeral, and I am also writing my book about him, his life, his childhood memories etc, so his children & grandchildren will know him as I did.
 People say I sound Good and are doing good, is it all denial, an act, acceptance? I don't know, maybe a little of all 3, I just pray to get through minute by minute and that's all I can do!
 Time to give Cody a hair cut, I must say mothering is my favorite job of all and I am thankful to have Cody around longer than the average child, he is precious & a blessing and will fill a big void in my life, along with those 6 little demons, ...LOL, the puppies!, their newest pasttime is eating their own poop, and yes, it is fun to say the least and I am NOT liking it, I keep telling myself, they are almost a year and they will start calming soon!

Sunday, November 6, 2011


ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: NEW pics: I just posted new pics of my apartment, if you scroll all the way down, tomorrow, I will blog and post pics of our bedroom, Cody's room wi...

NEW pics

  I just posted new pics of my apartment, if you scroll all the way down, tomorrow, I will blog and post pics of our bedroom, Cody's room will be left to your imagination!  LOL, Actually, he is OCD, clean!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: Codys 18th birthday party

ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: Codys 18th birthday party: Today we celebrated Cody's 18th birthday a day early, I would like to pots pics first then write my blog. We had w wonderful n...

Codys 18th birthday party

 Today we celebrated Cody's 18th birthday a day early, I would like to pots pics first then write my blog.
 We had w wonderful nights sleep it rained, & dropped u into the 50's, like heaven on earth after 6 mos of 90-100 degrees, we only hit a high of 61, the windows were open, and it felt like fall.
 We woke up in a festive mood, but, knew Terry was in bad shape, yesterday, they had to give him nitro twice for the first time, and it was quite scary, he was vomiting all night and just so week, and feels awful.
 Tish bough KFC and Julie baked the cake, so I did not have to do a thing, Cody's "buddy" school helper Matt came, and what a nice kid, I thought, now why can't Jenn date him??? and tomorrow his buddy group is having a birthday picnic for him, it is his actual birthday, and they are baking a cake, and another round of presents, he is one lucky guy!
 I got teary eyes a few times during the party and tried to hide it, but, it was a beautiful day, as you can see we took many pictures for the scrap book we are making FROM WHEN DADDY GOT SICK, I have already framed a few pictures, especially the family one.
 Dan & Dina came, Cody's old respite worker, Tish who has been in Cody's life since day 1 and Julie & her dad, Julie has been my best friend for 13 years, you hear about her on the blog quite often.
 I made everyone prim presents & forgot to give them to them, DUH!
 When it was over Tish took Jenn and I to run errands and we were gone a long while, I did call & check on Terry and he acted fine, Tish bough Jenn, ugg boots, slippers for both of us, and a sweater & shirt for Jenn, a thing to make my dogs stop barking, paid for my meds, and then bought me new dishes, which are beautiful, I did not have a chance to put them away yet, because I am spending my time in the bedroom with terry while he watched the game.
 Tish is the most generous soul, always has been, I made her an angel out of an old quilt and told her she had always been my guardian angel, and I wanted her to have that. I also spent the weekend making 12 items to get a dear friend in AK started on her prim decorating, I will make her more when I have more time.
 We came in and I said Hi Hunny, and he pulls me aside and is crying and says I don't want to die on Cody's birthday and ruin it for him,?? My knees almost buckled, I said, what? I knew yesterday was bad, but, while I was gone he got terrible chest pains he took 3 nitroglycerin pills, and that's the limit, and he still felt chest pressure and he said he felt worse than he had ever felt, and when you are on hospice you can't call 911 because medicare will only cover one or the other, so basically you are told to do a protocol, and when that doesn't work, get in bed, and worry & wait to see if it's the end, they can take you in your facility, but, one of the main reasons for wanting hospice is to avoid hospital settings and to die at home.
 I pray, I do not lose the love of my life, and especially for Cody, who's real birthday is tomorrow, but, I did pray Lord, get him to Cody's party for me, dare I be greedy and ask for Thanksgiving & Christmas and so on?
 I know the day is coming, and it just seemed to have happened too fast, I love him so much, he is my life and my world, I am more confident now about being able to do this job myself, and raise these kids right, and I know we will be ok,
 But, Lord, would it be too much to ask for one more night?

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Another week, gone

 My computer has been down the better part of the week, and Terry has had an awful 5-6 days, really thought we were losing him this weekend, he can't keep anything down but green tea. The doctor said this is all part of it and he is going through a cardiac event and it will wither cycle out and give him some more time, or it will lead to a massive heart attack.
 Sunday a dear friend told me her husband, under 40 had leukemia, and tonight, another dear friend told me they have kidney cancer! What is going on!
 I added some pics of us all last week, yes, I have lost weight from stress and as someone else put it I have long locks now, who has time for a hair cut, and those pony tails come in handy.
 My prayers have been answer, Terry will be here for Cody's 18th b-day on Saturday, we are having just 3 couples we are close to, and cake, tomorrow- Fri I have appointments with Cody's school, lawyers and shrinks about his guardianship, and hopefully Terry will be ok to be left alone.
 I am happy to report my washer & dryer is working well, and what a relief that is.
 I want to liesurely start sewing again, not that I have much time, but build up a lot of stock, and sell on ebay and take it down town Glendale to the Primitive shop and see if I can consignment sell, I know them well off FB now, and they know my circumstances, so I am hoping for a break, thats all I need, I know my merchandise can sell itself.
 The kids and I have started the scrapbook, DADDY's journey, we are documenting his illness, along with a book I am writing of Terry's childhood memories, memories with the kids, how we met etc. so they have something to pass on to their children.
 Well, I have a full day tomorrow, but wanted to stop by, I know its been a week with nno internet!   Remember to tell your loved ones YOU LOVE THEM, it is so very important, Terry and I won't leave the room w/o saying it now!....just today he was so very sick, and I said How do you do it and he was hugging me and said, for this, holding you in my arms makes it all worth it! How very touched I was, and the kids have really experienced how much we loved each other, and that has made a difference in Jenn's outlook on relationships.
 I saw my precious grandson Maddox today, he is getting so big, he wasn't too sure about all my dogs, though!  LOL, megan & the kids are off to San Diego so, no respite this weekend! Didn't I say I was leaving? TTFN!!!