Wednesday, October 26, 2011


ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: Rainy Wednesday: Am I so happy to finally have rain in the desert, I don't think it has rained since my friends from NY were visiting! I am stronger THIS ...

Rainy Wednesday

 Am I so happy to finally have rain in the desert, I don't think it has rained since my friends from NY were visiting!
 I am stronger THIS WEEK, I have the most amazing friends, they have all rallied by our side, Tish & Dave were in and out all day Monday, brought us lunch & dinner, which was a welcomed break, poor Terry had not eaten since Wed, and he was disoriented, and the worse I had seen him, they were telling me he has 1-3 weeks to live, not in front of him, but away from him I was a basket case. Luckily he is improving and now they say he will PROBABLY make another 8 weeks, but not to plan beyond that, I don't like that time, either, but it's a few weeks longer, so I will take what I can get!
 Monday night, Julie & her dad came by who is well into his 80's and read the Bible with us & the kids, and we all prayed for Terry, in the middle, Dave called saying The Lord placed this song in his head he wanted me & Terry to hear, a Christian song.
 It was a nice full day, but filled with peace & love and people telling Terry not to worry they will watch out for me & the kids.
 I took control of my life back this week, I made all the calls I didn't want to, mainly funeral stuff, & planned it to the T, it is going to be celebratory & loving & peaceful, I told Terry about it and we are in agreeance, the kids will play a big part.
 Things are better with Jenn, and Cody is doing fine at home, I AM HAVING SOME ISSUES with his teacher, and he is next on my list.
 AND the dryer is STILL not fixed, the original guy bailed, new companies won't touch it because the first guy took it completely apart and left it that way, so Tish bought me a laundry card from the apartments, and Monday I did 12 loads, 6 yesterday another 3 today and I am FINALLY caught up, BOY, how you miss having one right in your home!And where did we get all the clothes??
 Been cleaning closets & rooms, Cody's was the last one, yesterday, Julie & I are having a yard sale this weekend, her hubby lost his job and well you know my situation.
 I am also writing a book about Terry's life for my children & grandchildren, I want them to know him like I did, and what a wonderful grandad he would have made, also telling his childhood stories & background growing up, so my kids really KNOW their dad & never forget him, Also, it is very interesting, may this be the writing that makes me famous, or at least pays my bills? wouldn't that be ironic!
 Well, Cody's teacher awaits! UT OH for him, trust me, and I am NOT one of those parents that thinks my kids are always right, but Cody is going through a lot and he is all over him, and THEN, while I was bgrocery shopping he called here and Terry was disoriented and he called back KNOWING the situation and asked me if my husband was doing drugs, if so he had to report it! I said go ahead & report it with hospice, they supply them, he is DYING you  &*%$!!!!!!! SO, kimmy will be calling the principal, and let him report me, that little New Yorker will have to make an appearance!

Saturday, October 22, 2011


 Oh the pain, it hurts more than anything I have ever experienced.
 I want to scream, but, it won't change anything, I want answers, but won't get them
 How do you do this? How do you live like nothing is wrong for everyone else?? I can't do it, I feel so alone, so very alone, disowned by my parents, my kids are not the most supportive, I raised them otherwise, I need them Oh God do I need them.
 You meet, you love, and then its all gone, all damn gone in a New York minute, Please Lord, reverse things take me back to my 5oth b-day Sept 6, I said this will be the decade, WHAT TF was I thinking??? I know bad things always happen to me, why would I even think this would be the decade, I will be lucky to make the year.
 So Phoenix, what keeps me here? I hate you, always did, always will, can't afford to move, can't physically do a move, Kathy, Adam???!!!!, where would I go on my Soc Sec, I have no ties here, why do my kids not want anything to do with me, I gave my life to them.
 Pain, pain, pain, too much of it to handle, God too too much, I am so done, I want to run from my own life.

Sad Saturday

94, really??? Where is fall, the heat is just too much for me, it is triggering my headaches.
 The dryer guy was supposed to be here this morning and I am still waiting and Cody & I have NO clothes!
 Megan took me grocery shopping this morning, so another week with food, HOORAY!
 Terry, oh my poor hunny, he is getting worse, Megan even commented, and he can barely breath at all w/o the oxygen, he is on morphine every hour, and I hate morphine, and he sleeps almost all the time, life as we know it has faded into a distance, a day of laughing, watching movies, walking the dogs, just simple things are no longer, and soon, there won't be anything left.
 You meet someone fall in love, and take life & all you have for granted, I learned hard and tough, why did I major on the minors, please learn from me, enjoy life, enjoy your family, mopping your floors can wait and DON'T MAJOR ON THE MINORS< life really is too short!
 Cleaned up my craft room, aka dining room, good to have that in order, and now I am anxious for that fabric to arrive, ALL PHOENIX PEEPS< CRAFT PARTY NOV 19, Sat 1:00, my house, mostly Christmas ornies, and most things priced well under $10, hope you can make it, I need to do this to earn some money & keep myself alive, because right now I feel like I am living in the land of the dead~
 Won't ramble today, having a very difficult time, so please keep our family in prayer.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Funky Friday

 In the old days, Funky Friday meant us girls went out dancing at the OBI on the water to funky town, now, there is a serial killer lose there, and funky Friday means something totally different to me!
 Did I tell you I am dying for Chinese food? Old habits, break hard, for YEARS, every Friday on the way home from work, Terry would bring home Chinese food for dinner, even if he were in trial and it was a late night, they were open to 11:00 pm, so we had it made. Tonight, I want it so bad I can taste it!
 Well, that's how I feel about wanting my old life back, even though looking back, there was nothing spectacular about my life, we were homebodies, and liked it that way, spending time home with the family is what we liked best, now, for Terry to make it through 1, 1 hr TV show with me would be a gift, a blessing.
 Have you ever watched anyone die before? I sure haven't! But, let me just start out by saying it is a process, and you can literally see the life being drawn out of them, slowly, but surely, but, in this case, I wouldn't even say slowly, it is so very, very hard, and heart breaking.
 Today, Cody asked, why does daddy sleep all the time, and why does his head hang, now most of you won't get this, but Julie & I have a running joke about a head hanging in a swing, and it is JUST like that, I asked him, does it take too much energy to hold your head up, and basically, his muscles feel better just totally relaxed, which to me, is near death, I will NEVER look at another person hanging their head down the same again!
 Last night, I pulled an all nighter, while having the flu and 102 temp, I had a wholesale order I needed to get done, and between caring for Terry, Cody & everything else, there were not enough hours, so I finally finished it, but, when I figured it out I was getting less than $3 an hour to work all night!
 The drier is still broke, should be up & running tomorrow, we are out of clothes, a week with no dryer, and I had washed 2 loads before I knew the dryer was broken, so the stench from the wet clothes is just awful, tomorrow, I will be spending the day doing laundry, and it hasn't helped that Terry's dog, knows something is up and he has been peeing everywhere!
 This week, we made the final plans for the funeral, how fun, if you donate your organs to science they cremate you for free, so I am going that route, and the Rev from hospice, will come to my apartment & do a small service outside where we renewed our vows, since that spot is important to us. I want my kids to give him a send off and at least something they will remember. So we are making scrap books, and I am writing a book of memories, & stories from Terry's childhood, called Tuesdays with Terry, his grandchildren won't get to meet him, but, they will "know" him, if I can help it!
 Well, I guess I won't be getting any CHinese tonight, or dancing to funky town, so I will sign off for tonight.............BLESSINGS FROM HEAVEN!

Thursday, October 20, 2011


 I didn't realize the week had gotten away from me until my cuz Mar Bath reminded me, I hadn't blogged at all this week.
 I suppose nothing out of the ordinary week, except just the usual way hospice now invades our life. It's not that I like it, but, I miss my routine, and it has changed so much with people coming in and out and having to be showered by a certain time, and have the house cleaned u, and not being able to start in a big sewing project w/o being interrupted.
 I did manage to come down with the flu and have felt just awful the past 3 days haven't accomplished much, even if I wanted to, and, have a wholesale order I need to have gotten out last week, the retailer could care less that 2 days after her order for over 100 items places, my husband was diagnosed terminal, and won't make allowances for it, so I decided to make my own.
 Today was Cody's yearly meeting with DDD they cut respite hours across the board, which the timing sticks, I need respite now, so I went from 15 hrs a week until 10 UGH!
 I am virtually watching Terry deteriorate in front of my eyes, he is on morphine  every hour now to help with his breathing, even with the oxygen it has become a major issue, I am hoping he is still around for Cody's birthday Nov 6 when he turns 18, we are supposed to have a big party, I want him to have a big party with memories of his dad, since this will most likely be the last.
 Jenn is still grounded and w/o a cell phone.
 I went out with Dan, not the ex MB, and another day with Julie, they seem to think I need to get out & keep balance in my life.
 I just can't even imagine him not being in my life, God knows we have had our share of problems, but, we have been together 20 years, and he is my best friend,and he gets me like no other, I suppose when the time comes,I will learn to live with it, I don't want to, but, I guess God is not giving me a choice, now is he??
 I mean I am not mad at God, but, I wish I knew the plan because death @ 53 just doesn't make sense when you can't even see your kids graduate, get married & have kids,
 I guess I never really thought about death as much as I am now, and haven't had that many around me die, but, I guess my family has been a death of sorts, almost 8 mos now, and my brother talks completely disrespectful to my mom and threatens to kill you "old man" to my dad and after 4 mos my dad couldn't handle not talking to him & called him, me, I didn't want to get yelled at for uncontrollably having diarrhea, after a huge enema in the car, and when I said then I don't want a family, I am black balled for life!.....I called my mom 3 weeks ago, and was crying & said mommy, my husband is dying, she coldly said I know, and I know how many times a day you go to the bathroom, I said, please help me, I can't do this alone, she said what the hell do you want me to do and hung up on me. I am so trying to let it go, but after Terry passes I have no family, my closest friends are in NY, and Julie here & Kathy In CA, so I don't know how I am going to get through, everyone deserves a family, right? That's what I thought, but, I have learned you have to earn one, and when my mom was mad she told me Your problem is you have tried to be the perfect daughter, when did that become sinful? AND I NEVER wanted you to have that 5oth anniversary party for me, after Kathy & I put our heart, soul & money into it!!!
 Well, things have gotten to heavy here!
 Please go click that follow button or follow me on network blogs through facebook, I need the number, to get paid for the blog and I went from 7.000 to zero!!  THANKS!!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Another day down

 It really is amazing how many "buys" a person gets because their dad is sick or so on, and so on.
 Jenn doesn't read my blog, yet knows all the bad details about it, because Megan has been filling her in.
 There comes a time in life where you are tired of being stepped on, questioned, and so forth, Jenn has planted seeds of doubt in Julie's head, about something she should know better, and I am tired of explaining myself, and prooving myself,
 Here's the deal, Jenn is a spoiled brat who lies to make situations go her way, she has the help of her sister when she can't pull it off, I have nothing left, I'd like to see one of you come walk in my shoes for a few days, no family, questioning friends, and daughters I can't trust.
 All that should matter is Terry, who is dying, and it is obvious, he is losing his mind, like being around my grandmother when she had alhtiemers, that job is hard enough, do people REALLY care IDK, anymore, even your own blood, after all where is my family? They can't put what was not such a big deal aside and help me let go of my husband while my kids create all kind of drama, Cody & Daniel my hats off to you, you are the only ones who have been there for me, & Jessica.
 If I have to do it alone, I will because I am NOT answering anymore questions, doubts, lies etc.
 cousin MB I am not mad, you are RIGHT on the money and I am going to get my husband to the end of his life and Cody & I will pack it up and move on, because this place has been a living hell. Just when you think you can trust someone, you realize you can't!
 Why even blog anymore, its like HS everyone is usuing it against me, encase you haven't noticed, I have enough on my plate!

Monday, October 17, 2011


ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: New day, New hell: I suppose that I could take on a more positive attitude but, I'd be fooling only you, the past few days in the house have been horrible, Je...

New day, New hell

 I suppose that I could take on a more positive attitude but, I'd be fooling only you, the past few days in the house have been horrible, Jennifer came home and within an hour the police were here, she was back to calling me her ever so lady like names, and Terry just sat in the background, which anger me, but I guess he doesn't have the strength to fight right now. I have never dealt with a child like this, and I have 5, she is the youngest, she got in my face and called me cunt right up in my face trying to provoke her to hit her, so she could have me locked up, well she was so load, a neighbor called the police back, and who do they come down on but me?? 
 I asked can't you lock her in juvie for the night and according to police terms antagonising me warrants no juvie, I said this is going to go on all night and he, meaning Cody does not do well to changes and I have a dying man here.
 So they finally agreed to take her to Queen Megan's for the night. But, as soon as she walks in tomorrow it will start all over again.
 I have put my foot down, and I am not letting her get to me, she chased me with the cell saying cunt cunt, go ahead hit me bitch, so she can get me hitting her on tape, well those who know me know I come from an abusive house so I don't hit my kids.
 SO, here it is almost 1 Cody & I are wide awake!
 Poor Terry, I don't know who much he can take, what a hell of a way to die, his breathing is very shallow, and almost sounds like he may have some pneumonia, we see the nurse & social worker tomorrow, those are both good things!
 You know the dying shock has worn off, thankfully so, so I am able to be more productive, and I realized God gave me a perfect precious gift in Cody, there is nothing that boy wouldn't do for me, he watches over me, and hates to see me upset, he maybe be mentally handicapped, autistic & bipolar, but has so much love & heart in him, I will never be alone.
 Daniel & Jessica will always be there for me, the rest I just don't know, I thought I raised them right, but, seems they have the surse of their dads and jennifer is just well, I don't know. Mind you this started in April 09, has nothing to do with Terry's health, she beat me up back then, she was a sweet young girl, met a girl named Erin & together they have become poisin.
 She is on probation for drinking as a minor at the river, and 2 weeks later went out and had 15 shots, yes you read that right. If I had insurance, she'd be in a treatment center and I am not giving up on that either.
 So, my friends, this is NOT because of Terry, some of you already know about this.
 I am angry that Terry is leaving me to deal with this, how selfish can you be kim? I am angry because I had all these Martha Stewart nights planned until the end, and I am just plain angry.
 But, more so than angry I am sad, I am sad for a mans life almost lost with his family in a shambles, and a girl who has the smarts to go all the way in this world, and she is just throwing it down the tubes.
 I am missing lots of followers, so please follow both blogs terrytreasures.blogspot.com, and allroadsleadprimitive.blogspot.com

Saturday, October 15, 2011


ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: NEW POST NEW BLOG: I have had the worst 4 weeks of my life w/o going into much detail, my 16 yr old daughter is blaming me for her dad's illness, she has been...


 I have had the worst 4 weeks of my life w/o going into much detail, my 16 yr old daughter is blaming me for her dad's illness, she has been mean, and has called me names that I would NEVER call my mother, last night she destroyed my blog, because it gives me a sourse of strength,
 Please those of you who follow my blog, please continue to follow me, I need to know you are out there and I need the strength I draw from you, please bring the numbers back up to where they were I had 7,000 hits, 1 mil you get paid, I will have to start from scratch with that again, too, I am not in a good place right now, unable to even writing I have been doing the wholesale order for 12 hrs plus & have hours left, I really just want to pack it in, I am feeling my worst ever, please follow me, and encourage me, I can't do it myself!