Codys 18th birthday party

 Today we celebrated Cody's 18th birthday a day early, I would like to pots pics first then write my blog.
 We had w wonderful nights sleep it rained, & dropped u into the 50's, like heaven on earth after 6 mos of 90-100 degrees, we only hit a high of 61, the windows were open, and it felt like fall.
 We woke up in a festive mood, but, knew Terry was in bad shape, yesterday, they had to give him nitro twice for the first time, and it was quite scary, he was vomiting all night and just so week, and feels awful.
 Tish bough KFC and Julie baked the cake, so I did not have to do a thing, Cody's "buddy" school helper Matt came, and what a nice kid, I thought, now why can't Jenn date him??? and tomorrow his buddy group is having a birthday picnic for him, it is his actual birthday, and they are baking a cake, and another round of presents, he is one lucky guy!
 I got teary eyes a few times during the party and tried to hide it, but, it was a beautiful day, as you can see we took many pictures for the scrap book we are making FROM WHEN DADDY GOT SICK, I have already framed a few pictures, especially the family one.
 Dan & Dina came, Cody's old respite worker, Tish who has been in Cody's life since day 1 and Julie & her dad, Julie has been my best friend for 13 years, you hear about her on the blog quite often.
 I made everyone prim presents & forgot to give them to them, DUH!
 When it was over Tish took Jenn and I to run errands and we were gone a long while, I did call & check on Terry and he acted fine, Tish bough Jenn, ugg boots, slippers for both of us, and a sweater & shirt for Jenn, a thing to make my dogs stop barking, paid for my meds, and then bought me new dishes, which are beautiful, I did not have a chance to put them away yet, because I am spending my time in the bedroom with terry while he watched the game.
 Tish is the most generous soul, always has been, I made her an angel out of an old quilt and told her she had always been my guardian angel, and I wanted her to have that. I also spent the weekend making 12 items to get a dear friend in AK started on her prim decorating, I will make her more when I have more time.
 We came in and I said Hi Hunny, and he pulls me aside and is crying and says I don't want to die on Cody's birthday and ruin it for him,?? My knees almost buckled, I said, what? I knew yesterday was bad, but, while I was gone he got terrible chest pains he took 3 nitroglycerin pills, and that's the limit, and he still felt chest pressure and he said he felt worse than he had ever felt, and when you are on hospice you can't call 911 because medicare will only cover one or the other, so basically you are told to do a protocol, and when that doesn't work, get in bed, and worry & wait to see if it's the end, they can take you in your facility, but, one of the main reasons for wanting hospice is to avoid hospital settings and to die at home.
 I pray, I do not lose the love of my life, and especially for Cody, who's real birthday is tomorrow, but, I did pray Lord, get him to Cody's party for me, dare I be greedy and ask for Thanksgiving & Christmas and so on?
 I know the day is coming, and it just seemed to have happened too fast, I love him so much, he is my life and my world, I am more confident now about being able to do this job myself, and raise these kids right, and I know we will be ok,
 But, Lord, would it be too much to ask for one more night?

Another week, gone

 My computer has been down the better part of the week, and Terry has had an awful 5-6 days, really thought we were losing him this weekend, he can't keep anything down but green tea. The doctor said this is all part of it and he is going through a cardiac event and it will wither cycle out and give him some more time, or it will lead to a massive heart attack.
 Sunday a dear friend told me her husband, under 40 had leukemia, and tonight, another dear friend told me they have kidney cancer! What is going on!
 I added some pics of us all last week, yes, I have lost weight from stress and as someone else put it I have long locks now, who has time for a hair cut, and those pony tails come in handy.
 My prayers have been answer, Terry will be here for Cody's 18th b-day on Saturday, we are having just 3 couples we are close to, and cake, tomorrow- Fri I have appointments with Cody's school, lawyers and shrinks about his guardianship, and hopefully Terry will be ok to be left alone.
 I am happy to report my washer & dryer is working well, and what a relief that is.
 I want to liesurely start sewing again, not that I have much time, but build up a lot of stock, and sell on ebay and take it down town Glendale to the Primitive shop and see if I can consignment sell, I know them well off FB now, and they know my circumstances, so I am hoping for a break, thats all I need, I know my merchandise can sell itself.
 The kids and I have started the scrapbook, DADDY's journey, we are documenting his illness, along with a book I am writing of Terry's childhood memories, memories with the kids, how we met etc. so they have something to pass on to their children.
 Well, I have a full day tomorrow, but wanted to stop by, I know its been a week with nno internet!   Remember to tell your loved ones YOU LOVE THEM, it is so very important, Terry and I won't leave the room w/o saying it now!....just today he was so very sick, and I said How do you do it and he was hugging me and said, for this, holding you in my arms makes it all worth it! How very touched I was, and the kids have really experienced how much we loved each other, and that has made a difference in Jenn's outlook on relationships.
 I saw my precious grandson Maddox today, he is getting so big, he wasn't too sure about all my dogs, though!  LOL, megan & the kids are off to San Diego so, no respite this weekend! Didn't I say I was leaving? TTFN!!!

ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: Rainy Wednesday

ALL ROADS LEAD PRIMITIVE: Rainy Wednesday: Am I so happy to finally have rain in the desert, I don't think it has rained since my friends from NY were visiting! I am stronger THIS ...

Rainy Wednesday

 Am I so happy to finally have rain in the desert, I don't think it has rained since my friends from NY were visiting!
 I am stronger THIS WEEK, I have the most amazing friends, they have all rallied by our side, Tish & Dave were in and out all day Monday, brought us lunch & dinner, which was a welcomed break, poor Terry had not eaten since Wed, and he was disoriented, and the worse I had seen him, they were telling me he has 1-3 weeks to live, not in front of him, but away from him I was a basket case. Luckily he is improving and now they say he will PROBABLY make another 8 weeks, but not to plan beyond that, I don't like that time, either, but it's a few weeks longer, so I will take what I can get!
 Monday night, Julie & her dad came by who is well into his 80's and read the Bible with us & the kids, and we all prayed for Terry, in the middle, Dave called saying The Lord placed this song in his head he wanted me & Terry to hear, a Christian song.
 It was a nice full day, but filled with peace & love and people telling Terry not to worry they will watch out for me & the kids.
 I took control of my life back this week, I made all the calls I didn't want to, mainly funeral stuff, & planned it to the T, it is going to be celebratory & loving & peaceful, I told Terry about it and we are in agreeance, the kids will play a big part.
 Things are better with Jenn, and Cody is doing fine at home, I AM HAVING SOME ISSUES with his teacher, and he is next on my list.
 AND the dryer is STILL not fixed, the original guy bailed, new companies won't touch it because the first guy took it completely apart and left it that way, so Tish bought me a laundry card from the apartments, and Monday I did 12 loads, 6 yesterday another 3 today and I am FINALLY caught up, BOY, how you miss having one right in your home!And where did we get all the clothes??
 Been cleaning closets & rooms, Cody's was the last one, yesterday, Julie & I are having a yard sale this weekend, her hubby lost his job and well you know my situation.
 I am also writing a book about Terry's life for my children & grandchildren, I want them to know him like I did, and what a wonderful grandad he would have made, also telling his childhood stories & background growing up, so my kids really KNOW their dad & never forget him, Also, it is very interesting, may this be the writing that makes me famous, or at least pays my bills? wouldn't that be ironic!
 Well, Cody's teacher awaits! UT OH for him, trust me, and I am NOT one of those parents that thinks my kids are always right, but Cody is going through a lot and he is all over him, and THEN, while I was bgrocery shopping he called here and Terry was disoriented and he called back KNOWING the situation and asked me if my husband was doing drugs, if so he had to report it! I said go ahead & report it with hospice, they supply them, he is DYING you  &*%$!!!!!!! SO, kimmy will be calling the principal, and let him report me, that little New Yorker will have to make an appearance!

PAIN

 Oh the pain, it hurts more than anything I have ever experienced.
 I want to scream, but, it won't change anything, I want answers, but won't get them
 How do you do this? How do you live like nothing is wrong for everyone else?? I can't do it, I feel so alone, so very alone, disowned by my parents, my kids are not the most supportive, I raised them otherwise, I need them Oh God do I need them.
 You meet, you love, and then its all gone, all damn gone in a New York minute, Please Lord, reverse things take me back to my 5oth b-day Sept 6, I said this will be the decade, WHAT TF was I thinking??? I know bad things always happen to me, why would I even think this would be the decade, I will be lucky to make the year.
 So Phoenix, what keeps me here? I hate you, always did, always will, can't afford to move, can't physically do a move, Kathy, Adam???!!!!, where would I go on my Soc Sec, I have no ties here, why do my kids not want anything to do with me, I gave my life to them.
 Pain, pain, pain, too much of it to handle, God too too much, I am so done, I want to run from my own life.

Sad Saturday

94, really??? Where is fall, the heat is just too much for me, it is triggering my headaches.
 The dryer guy was supposed to be here this morning and I am still waiting and Cody & I have NO clothes!
 Megan took me grocery shopping this morning, so another week with food, HOORAY!
 Terry, oh my poor hunny, he is getting worse, Megan even commented, and he can barely breath at all w/o the oxygen, he is on morphine every hour, and I hate morphine, and he sleeps almost all the time, life as we know it has faded into a distance, a day of laughing, watching movies, walking the dogs, just simple things are no longer, and soon, there won't be anything left.
 You meet someone fall in love, and take life & all you have for granted, I learned hard and tough, why did I major on the minors, please learn from me, enjoy life, enjoy your family, mopping your floors can wait and DON'T MAJOR ON THE MINORS< life really is too short!
 Cleaned up my craft room, aka dining room, good to have that in order, and now I am anxious for that fabric to arrive, ALL PHOENIX PEEPS< CRAFT PARTY NOV 19, Sat 1:00, my house, mostly Christmas ornies, and most things priced well under $10, hope you can make it, I need to do this to earn some money & keep myself alive, because right now I feel like I am living in the land of the dead~
 Won't ramble today, having a very difficult time, so please keep our family in prayer.
  

Funky Friday

 In the old days, Funky Friday meant us girls went out dancing at the OBI on the water to funky town, now, there is a serial killer lose there, and funky Friday means something totally different to me!
 Did I tell you I am dying for Chinese food? Old habits, break hard, for YEARS, every Friday on the way home from work, Terry would bring home Chinese food for dinner, even if he were in trial and it was a late night, they were open to 11:00 pm, so we had it made. Tonight, I want it so bad I can taste it!
 Well, that's how I feel about wanting my old life back, even though looking back, there was nothing spectacular about my life, we were homebodies, and liked it that way, spending time home with the family is what we liked best, now, for Terry to make it through 1, 1 hr TV show with me would be a gift, a blessing.
 Have you ever watched anyone die before? I sure haven't! But, let me just start out by saying it is a process, and you can literally see the life being drawn out of them, slowly, but surely, but, in this case, I wouldn't even say slowly, it is so very, very hard, and heart breaking.
 Today, Cody asked, why does daddy sleep all the time, and why does his head hang, now most of you won't get this, but Julie & I have a running joke about a head hanging in a swing, and it is JUST like that, I asked him, does it take too much energy to hold your head up, and basically, his muscles feel better just totally relaxed, which to me, is near death, I will NEVER look at another person hanging their head down the same again!
 Last night, I pulled an all nighter, while having the flu and 102 temp, I had a wholesale order I needed to get done, and between caring for Terry, Cody & everything else, there were not enough hours, so I finally finished it, but, when I figured it out I was getting less than $3 an hour to work all night!
 The drier is still broke, should be up & running tomorrow, we are out of clothes, a week with no dryer, and I had washed 2 loads before I knew the dryer was broken, so the stench from the wet clothes is just awful, tomorrow, I will be spending the day doing laundry, and it hasn't helped that Terry's dog, knows something is up and he has been peeing everywhere!
 This week, we made the final plans for the funeral, how fun, if you donate your organs to science they cremate you for free, so I am going that route, and the Rev from hospice, will come to my apartment & do a small service outside where we renewed our vows, since that spot is important to us. I want my kids to give him a send off and at least something they will remember. So we are making scrap books, and I am writing a book of memories, & stories from Terry's childhood, called Tuesdays with Terry, his grandchildren won't get to meet him, but, they will "know" him, if I can help it!
 Well, I guess I won't be getting any CHinese tonight, or dancing to funky town, so I will sign off for tonight.............BLESSINGS FROM HEAVEN!